Many people want to talk to me after finding out I have adopted a child. They say, "Do you think I would be good at it?" "Was it hard to make the decision?" "Did you ever regret it?" "Did you ever want to change your mind?" None of these questions bothers or offends me. On the contrary, I am happy to answer anything about adoption because I wish to God more people would do it. What a tragedy it is to think of the number of children who will age out of the system and have had nobody.
So, lets take these questions one at at time. Will you be good at it? ABSOLUTELY, except for the days that you suck at it! No, I am serious here. What are you good at all the time? What parent isn't good sometimes and just as shitty the very next day? Don't take yourself too seriously. You will be good and you will be bad. You will laugh and you will cry and scream. You will be loved and you will be hated. Is your heart big enough? Are your arms strong enough? You BET! Have faith in you.
Was it hard to make the decision to adopt? Nope. Not at all. But that is the way I am about decisions. I was stagnant in my life so I started volunteering for Horizons for Homeless Children. I fell in love with the children and these incredible teen moms. I watched them with their children and knew I was ready. Thanks to my mom and dad, my definition of family never had anything to do with being pregnant and my child having my genes. I wanted a child and I wanted to help a child. It was win- win all the way around. Two things worked for me in making the decision easy. I had no spouse to think about and no children to think about already. The decision making will be, and should be harder with other people weighing in.
Did you ever regret it? Nope. As with any parent, there are days I say, "Holy Shit this is really hard." But, I am also not one for regrets. If you regret your decisions you may need to think longer and harder about this one.
Did you ever want to change your mind? Nope. Not once, not even for a second. But you have to be able to separate your child from your child's biological family...because they will not always make things feel easy and right.
DSS will train you. For ten weeks you will go to class and they will tell you how terrible it is and if you stick around you will pass their training! Your child will scream terrible things at you and at times it will feel so bad that you will go behind your bedroom door and from behind the door flip both fingers at the kid! (just make sure the door is shut!) You will scream, bitch, piss and moan with your family because the social workers cancelled again, or showed up very late, or didn't return your calls. You will cry, and cry, and cry some more. And you will listen to people tell your child how "lucky" she is to have you and you will cringe knowing this child is anything but lucky, even though you know the sentiment is with the best of intentions. You will need someone to remind you over and over again that you are human and that is ok.
You will work so hard to please and impress everyone who gets to to judge you and whether or not you are good for this child and it will make you friggin' angry. And then one incredible day you will hear the judge utter these unforgettable words, "This adoption is final and irrevocable." and you could never have known there were any words that could make you feel that emotional.
Finally, you need to remember that your child will never say, "thanks for this incredible thing you did for me." Being taken away from the family you love with all your heart (whether they hurt you or not) does not feel good and will often come back to bite the adoptive parent on the butt. Do not adopt for kudos because you don't deserve them for adopting, and if you think you do, you are not ready to adopt.
Adopt because it feels right! If you have supportive people in your life and the ability to laugh at your foibles and not take yourself too seriously. You will do well by your child.
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