Every time I visit with my daughter's biological family I am struck again by the question, "what is real?" This time I may have come back with the answer that satisfies my need to know.
When I hear her yell, "Mommy!" across the park, I know now to look. Sometimes she is talking to me and sometimes to Kim and maybe it is Krista's own little test of which one of us will really answer her. Kim and John always greet us nicely and I am always struck by how much they thank us throughout the visit. For all the crap they have been through (not to mention put their children through) they do get it. They do know the half of what we do. They do love us for it....and it seems so odd...and yet in another way totally amazing to have this connection.
I remember watching them stand in front of a judge to actually surrender their own rights so that I could legally adopt Krista. The first time they didn't show up and I couldn't see past my own anger. I wondered how any people could be so selfish. Perhaps I could not see past my own selfishness to recognize how completely hard it would be to stand in front of a judge and say yes when he asks, "You understand that by being here today you are admitting that you cannot parent these children?" Not the exact words, but close enough as well as a whole litany of other questions where they must admit over and over they are done parenting. I remember watching them (they actually did show up) and crying non stop. How could what was going to make everything right in my life depend on their lives falling apart?
And yet...that is not what happened. It wasn't about their lives "falling apart" It was about them making a solid choice that their children deserved better. What "real" parent doesn't face that decision in the course of their child's life?
Kim and John don't have the daily responsibilities of a "real" parent. They don't have to deal with Krista at her worst and they never get those secret moments of bliss when I look at her and am sure there is a God that brought us together. But...they made a true parenting decision that they needed to do what was best for their three children. They show up faithfully to visits although I am sure this is no easy task physically or emotionally for them. In my moments of anger I remember that we share a child. And the only way I get to share her is because they recognized their own limitations. Making the hardest decision of your life for your children...I daresay that makes you, "real."
Today, on what would have been my mom's birthday, I am reminded of her favorite children's story, "The Velveteen Rabbit" and this conversation between the skin horse and the rabbit.
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
I finally realize that Kim, John and myself can all be "real" parents. Every parent has a different relationship with their child even within the same household. One does not trump the other and Krista has enough love for all of us. I do not need to make Kim and John my partners in parenting, but I can stop feeling threatened by Krista's love for them and they do not need to feel threatened by her love for me. Their being "real" cant make me any less "real" and so it is with love and relationships. All that matters in this one is we all want what is best for one amazing human.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Do You Think I Should Adopt?
Many people want to talk to me after finding out I have adopted a child. They say, "Do you think I would be good at it?" "Was it hard to make the decision?" "Did you ever regret it?" "Did you ever want to change your mind?" None of these questions bothers or offends me. On the contrary, I am happy to answer anything about adoption because I wish to God more people would do it. What a tragedy it is to think of the number of children who will age out of the system and have had nobody.
So, lets take these questions one at at time. Will you be good at it? ABSOLUTELY, except for the days that you suck at it! No, I am serious here. What are you good at all the time? What parent isn't good sometimes and just as shitty the very next day? Don't take yourself too seriously. You will be good and you will be bad. You will laugh and you will cry and scream. You will be loved and you will be hated. Is your heart big enough? Are your arms strong enough? You BET! Have faith in you.
Was it hard to make the decision to adopt? Nope. Not at all. But that is the way I am about decisions. I was stagnant in my life so I started volunteering for Horizons for Homeless Children. I fell in love with the children and these incredible teen moms. I watched them with their children and knew I was ready. Thanks to my mom and dad, my definition of family never had anything to do with being pregnant and my child having my genes. I wanted a child and I wanted to help a child. It was win- win all the way around. Two things worked for me in making the decision easy. I had no spouse to think about and no children to think about already. The decision making will be, and should be harder with other people weighing in.
Did you ever regret it? Nope. As with any parent, there are days I say, "Holy Shit this is really hard." But, I am also not one for regrets. If you regret your decisions you may need to think longer and harder about this one.
Did you ever want to change your mind? Nope. Not once, not even for a second. But you have to be able to separate your child from your child's biological family...because they will not always make things feel easy and right.
DSS will train you. For ten weeks you will go to class and they will tell you how terrible it is and if you stick around you will pass their training! Your child will scream terrible things at you and at times it will feel so bad that you will go behind your bedroom door and from behind the door flip both fingers at the kid! (just make sure the door is shut!) You will scream, bitch, piss and moan with your family because the social workers cancelled again, or showed up very late, or didn't return your calls. You will cry, and cry, and cry some more. And you will listen to people tell your child how "lucky" she is to have you and you will cringe knowing this child is anything but lucky, even though you know the sentiment is with the best of intentions. You will need someone to remind you over and over again that you are human and that is ok.
You will work so hard to please and impress everyone who gets to to judge you and whether or not you are good for this child and it will make you friggin' angry. And then one incredible day you will hear the judge utter these unforgettable words, "This adoption is final and irrevocable." and you could never have known there were any words that could make you feel that emotional.
Finally, you need to remember that your child will never say, "thanks for this incredible thing you did for me." Being taken away from the family you love with all your heart (whether they hurt you or not) does not feel good and will often come back to bite the adoptive parent on the butt. Do not adopt for kudos because you don't deserve them for adopting, and if you think you do, you are not ready to adopt.
Adopt because it feels right! If you have supportive people in your life and the ability to laugh at your foibles and not take yourself too seriously. You will do well by your child.
So, lets take these questions one at at time. Will you be good at it? ABSOLUTELY, except for the days that you suck at it! No, I am serious here. What are you good at all the time? What parent isn't good sometimes and just as shitty the very next day? Don't take yourself too seriously. You will be good and you will be bad. You will laugh and you will cry and scream. You will be loved and you will be hated. Is your heart big enough? Are your arms strong enough? You BET! Have faith in you.
Was it hard to make the decision to adopt? Nope. Not at all. But that is the way I am about decisions. I was stagnant in my life so I started volunteering for Horizons for Homeless Children. I fell in love with the children and these incredible teen moms. I watched them with their children and knew I was ready. Thanks to my mom and dad, my definition of family never had anything to do with being pregnant and my child having my genes. I wanted a child and I wanted to help a child. It was win- win all the way around. Two things worked for me in making the decision easy. I had no spouse to think about and no children to think about already. The decision making will be, and should be harder with other people weighing in.
Did you ever regret it? Nope. As with any parent, there are days I say, "Holy Shit this is really hard." But, I am also not one for regrets. If you regret your decisions you may need to think longer and harder about this one.
Did you ever want to change your mind? Nope. Not once, not even for a second. But you have to be able to separate your child from your child's biological family...because they will not always make things feel easy and right.
DSS will train you. For ten weeks you will go to class and they will tell you how terrible it is and if you stick around you will pass their training! Your child will scream terrible things at you and at times it will feel so bad that you will go behind your bedroom door and from behind the door flip both fingers at the kid! (just make sure the door is shut!) You will scream, bitch, piss and moan with your family because the social workers cancelled again, or showed up very late, or didn't return your calls. You will cry, and cry, and cry some more. And you will listen to people tell your child how "lucky" she is to have you and you will cringe knowing this child is anything but lucky, even though you know the sentiment is with the best of intentions. You will need someone to remind you over and over again that you are human and that is ok.
You will work so hard to please and impress everyone who gets to to judge you and whether or not you are good for this child and it will make you friggin' angry. And then one incredible day you will hear the judge utter these unforgettable words, "This adoption is final and irrevocable." and you could never have known there were any words that could make you feel that emotional.
Finally, you need to remember that your child will never say, "thanks for this incredible thing you did for me." Being taken away from the family you love with all your heart (whether they hurt you or not) does not feel good and will often come back to bite the adoptive parent on the butt. Do not adopt for kudos because you don't deserve them for adopting, and if you think you do, you are not ready to adopt.
Adopt because it feels right! If you have supportive people in your life and the ability to laugh at your foibles and not take yourself too seriously. You will do well by your child.
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